You will not apply my precept. How often have I said to you that when you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth? We know that he did not come through the door, the window, or the chimney. We also know that he could not have been concealed in the room, as there is no concealment possible. When, then, did he come? Is there any point to which you would wish to draw my attention? To the curious incident of the dog in the night-time. The dog did nothing in the night-time. That was the curious incident You know my method. It is founded upon the observation of trifles. I have always held, too, that pistol practice should be distinctly an open-air pastime; and when Holmes, in one of his queer humours, would sit in an armchair with his hair-trigger and a hundred Boxer cartridges and proceed to adorn the opposite wall with a patriotic V.R. done in bullet pocks, I felt strongly that neither the atmosphere nor the appearance of our room was improved by it. Mediocrity knows nothing higher than itself; but talent instantly recognizes genius. Show Holmes a drop of water and he would deduce the existence of the Atlantic. Show it to me and I would look for a tap. That was the difference between us. Holmes and Watson are on a camping trip. In the middle of the night Holmes wakes up and gives Dr. Watson a nudge. ‘Watson’ he says, ‘look up in the sky and tell me what you see.’ ‘I see millions of stars, Holmes,’ says Watson. ‘And what do you conclude from that, Watson?’ Watson thinks for a moment. ‘Well,’ he says, ‘astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meterologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I see that God is all-powerful, and we are small and insignificant. Uh, what does it tell you, Holmes?’ ‘Watson, you idiot! Someone has stolen our tent!’ My name is Sherlock Holmes. It is my business to know what other people don’t know. Education never ends, Watson. It is a series of lessons, with the greatest for the last. Come, Watson, come! The game is afoot. Not a word! Into your clothes and come!
Am I a lion? I don’t think of myself as a lion. You might as well, though, I have a mighty roar. Here lies my beloved Zoe, my autumn flower … somewhat less attractive now that she’s all corpsified and gross. Yes sir, Captain Tightpants! Psychic, though? That sounds like something out of science fiction. We live in a spaceship, dear.

I cannot abide useless people. You know what the chain of command is? It’s the chain I go get and beat you with until you understand who’s in ruttin charge here. Ten percent of nothin’ is … let me do the math here … nothin’ into nothin’ … carry the nothin’ … Well, my time of not taking you seriously is coming to a middle. Curse your sudden but inevitable betrayal! Someone ever tries to kill you, you try to kill ’em right back! First rule of battle, little one … don’t ever let them know where you are… WHOO-HOO! I’M RIGHT HERE! I’M RIGHT HERE! YOU WANT SOME O’ ME?! YEAH YOU DO! COME ON! COME ON! AAAAAH! Whoo-hoo! … ‘Course, there’re other schools of thought. Also? I can kill you with my brain. Yes sir, Captain Tightpants! Psychic, though? That sounds like something out of science fiction. We live in a spaceship, dear.

As you may or may not know, Lindsay and I have hit a bit of a rough patch. Get me a vodka rocks. And a piece of toast. There’s only one man I’ve ever called a coward, and that’s Brian Doyle Murray. No, what I’m calling you is a television actor. No! I was ashamed to be SEEN with you. I like being with you. That’s what it said on ‘Ask Jeeves.’ He’ll want to use your yacht, and I don’t want this thing smelling like fish. Now, when you do this without getting punched in the chest, you’ll have more fun. It’s called ‘taking advantage.’ It’s what gets you ahead in life. It’s a hug, Michael. I’m hugging you. Well, what do you expect, mother?